Done!

Tonight my academic career will officially come to an end!! Barring some mid-life crisis that motivates me to chuck all my years of education and experience and start from scratch, I will NEVER go to school again. No more ridiculous case studies that require me to assert to my professor why I have an idea that could turn some flailing real world company around even when their overpaid executives can not. No more creating fake companies with fake products and fake business plans in a fake world that in no way simulates reality. No more grinning and bearing it through team projects that are supposed to prepare me for the real world (in which I have actually been living for the last 9 years). No more guilty feelings if I want to read something for fun or watch reality TV all weekend long (I might still feel guilty about the reality TV, but for entirely different reasons).

I’ve only been able to come up with one reason to be sad to graduate - school has been my excuse for lots of stuff over the last few years and now I won’t have one. Why haven’t I done laundry in three weeks? Group project keeping me busy. Why haven’t I been to the gym in 6 months? Class two nights a week. Why does our house currently look as if it is occupied by two 17-year old boys with no adult supervision? Too much reading and writing to do.

I know that I sound somewhat negative about my graduate school experience, but it really has been good. If I had to go back and decide whether or not to do it - even knowing what I know now - I’d definitely do it again. I just had no idea how tiresome it would be to go back to school while working full time and trying to have a life. And to think, some people who do this have kids!! It was easy at first, but after a couple years (and it’s been three from start to finish) it really began to wear on me. So, I think the negativity is really just my weariness talking at this point. I’m sure when I’m six months removed from this experience I’ll look back at it much more fondly.

I did learn some things - which I suppose is good considering that’s the whole point of education. I won’t share any of these things with you though because I’ve tried that on my husband before and his eyes quickly roll back in his head in boredom. Apparently he’s not interested in learning about Porter’s Five Forces or the Nash equilibrium in game theory. I am extraordinarily grateful that I have a fantastic job where my employer footed the bill for my education and gave me this opportunity. A huge blessing, no doubt!!

The obvious questions might be “What now?” and this graduation is really a bit anti-climactic in that regard. I went back to school not really so that I could pursue anything new but because the only thing stopping me from doing it at this point in my life would have been laziness. So, I don’t get a promotion and I don’t get a raise. I guess I just get a piece of paper and the satisfaction that comes from being educated and the hope that somehow someday it will pay off.

Yesterday on my way home from work I was feeling rather reflective and was thinking about how this graduation compares to the other two in my life. Thirteen years ago about this time I was preparing to graduate from high school and was excited and scared to leave home and go somewhere I knew very few people and could become whomever and whatever I wanted. Nine years ago about this time I was graduating from college and was scared and sad (with a very, very small amount of excitement mixed in) to leave the years that still rank among the best in my life behind and move on to a city where I knew no one and a job I felt in no way prepared for. (Also about this time I had just become friends with this guy - Matt - who was nice and funny and interesting but we were moving on in opposite directions - geographically - so there was obviously no future there. ) I thought there would be nothing exciting about this graduation except being done. But I think I was wrong. Our plan for the last few years has been to focus on starting a family as soon as I finished school and now that we’re actually here it’s a little hard to believe! So, I guess this graduation really is just like the other two in many ways - exciting (and scary!) times ahead!

My mother…

A role model that showed me how to love God and others genuinely and generously. A strong woman who encouraged me to be tough and strive for excellence in everything I do. A mom who has loved me unconditionally for the last 30-something years even when she couldn’t have possibly liked me. Happy Mother’s Day! I love you!

a walk to remember
originally uploaded by muha…

What Exactly is a Non-Mom? *Updated*

I try not to be too critical of people that are not a part of the adoption community and their use of language that might not be considered totally adoption friendly. While I think it is very important to be mindful of the language we use and how certain things we say can make adopted children and adoptive parents feel like their family choices are somehow second best I don’t want to be someone that is too easily offended and constantly correcting the language of those around me in regards to adoption. Quite frankly, until about 6 months ago I knew no better myself. I’m sure I referred to biological children as “children of your own” and often distinguished between children by birth and adoption unnecessarily. When we have a child home and the things he/she hears will impact their thoughts and feelings about themselves and our family I realize I may have to make different choices than I do at this stage. I think one challenge in being a family created through adoption will be to know when I’m just being hyper-sensitive to comments made innocently and when I have to assert myself for the sake of my family. Is it my job to educate the entire world about positive adoption language just for the sake of education - I really don’t think so (just my opinion!).

So tell me, am I just being uber sensitive when find it APALLING that Teleflora/NBC chose to create a category for adoptive moms in their “America’s Favorite Mom” contest labeled the “Non-Mom” category? It doesn’t seem like it would have taken too much thought to figure out that is extraordinarily offensive. And Marie Osmond - an adoptive mother herself - was the celebrity face of this contest. Shouldn’t she know better? Apparently the online army of adoptive parents let them have it because they have now changed that category to the “Adopting Mom” category. Not sure why it is necessary to segregate adoptive mothers from all the other classes of moms out there, but I guess it’s an improvement.

To all you moms and soon-to-be moms out there - regardless of how you came to motherhood - Happy Mother’s Day!

*Update: Teleflora has issued an apology for their “insensitive” comments.  You can read it here.

The Daily Dolly

Complete ridiculousity…

Restless.

Those of you that know me may know that I am often times too willing to share information or my opinions, but I hold my deeper thoughts a little closer. For some reason with blogging, however, I feel the desire and the need to be much more transparent. For better or worse, I feel more comfortable sharing some things in this venue - even with the knowledge that complete strangers AND the most important people in my life will read it. Quite honestly I don’t know which makes me more uncomfortable - the fact that I’m putting stuff out there for goodness knows who to read or that the people that know me in real life will read it. Today feels like a day I just need to put some stuff out there.

I find myself feeling very unsettled today. This feeling has really come and gone (with way more coming than going) over the last two weeks. Please don’t misunderstand - I am beyond grateful that we found out the news about Vietnam when we did. That being said, it seems like it should be easier to move on. I suspect my difficulty in changing course is because I don’t yet know what we are moving on to and this has me all befuddled. Because of my faith, I do believe that God has a plan for our family but to be perfectly honest, I really don’t understand why we are where we are right now. Were we in the right place at the wrong time? The wrong place at the right time? Or maybe worst of all the wrong place at the wrong time?

So, I remind myself that this is just a lesson in trust…and waiting…and listening. Things are out of my control right now, and I suspect that is exactly what I need in order to grow and learn from this experience. I know that I must focus on the bigger picture and trust that the decisions we have to make will become clearer in the days - or heaven forbid - weeks ahead. Right now, however, I plan to console myself with the pleasure of peanut M&M’s (perhaps the world’s most perfect food), diet coke and the knowledge that in two short hours I will have endured the last MBA lecture and class discussion of my life!

Ouch.

bike race #6
Originally uploaded by lomokev

I went for my second bike ride of the year this evening with my friends Matt and Sarah. The first ride this spring didn’t really count as far as exercise goes because it was just Matt and I leisurely riding around town this weekend. Before we took off, I warned them that I was rather out of shape due the fact that I have done nothing but sit in front of a computer or in a classroom or on the couch for the last 6 months. Turns out that I am in fact VERY out of shape and that my definition of this phrase is quite different from theirs. I suppose my first warning should have been the fact that they both have those fancy bikes with the skinny tires and those terrifying shoes that actually attach to your pedals (seriously - who thinks that a good idea?). Sarah chose the route and I am quite sure that she made me ride up every hill in town. It’s amazing how a road that seems so flat in your car is suddenly so incredibly steep when you’re on a bike. If I wasn’t quite confident in the fact that she is indeed my friend, I really might have suspected she was trying to kill me. Needless to say, I survived the ride and while I may need to remind myself of this in the morning, I almost enjoyed it.

I’ve got no good transition to this next story, but I think it’s momentous enough in our lives that it merits being documented on the blog. A couple weeks ago Matt saw a picture of the back his head and was apparently appalled at how thin his hair was. So he did what all other sensible 30-something’s with balding thinning hair do and shaved his head a la Matt Lauer. It seems kind of sad that we swept his youth up off the bathroom floor and threw it in the trash can, but I’m just happy he’s comfortable enough with himself to own his thinning hair rather than trying to spray some on or grow one side out six inches long so he can wrap it around his head.

A Breath of Fresh Air

That’s what this weekend has been for me - both literally and figuratively. In our part of the country, you get just a hand full of perfect weather days each year. This weekend consisted of two of those days. As a matter of fact, as I type this, I am sitting on my back porch with my dog at my feet waiting on my husband to finish dinner on the grill. Doesn’t get much better than this!

(A gratuitous Dolly picture - she’s guarding the garden while we worked in the back yard.)

We’ve been busy most of the weekend doing things that we actually chose to do rather than things that we had to do.  This hasn’t happened in what seems like a very long time and I think it has been incredibly cathartic for me. The past few days, while I’ve felt positive that this adoption stuff will all work out in the end, I’ve also been a bit overwhelmed and consumed with it all. I can’t really put my finger on what it is that’s been consuming me - worry or disappointment or impatience or anger or some combination of all these things, but it hasn’t really been productive. It also seems like about 90% of our conversations with each other these days revolve around our adoption plans. I know this is probably completely normal, but it really has me weary right now. I’m just so ready to be done wondering and start waiting. Waiting will be a breeze compared to all of this wondering (can you all please remind me I said that in a couple months when I’m whining about the waiting ). So this weekend I unplugged from the internet (no blogs, no yahoo groups, no agency research), didn’t watch any TV, hung out with my husband (with very limited talk of adoption), spent as much time outside as possible, and I now feel refreshed and so much better.

Friday evening we enjoyed the monthly Art Walk sponsored by our local arts council. All of the galleries downtown are open, tons of people are out walking around and it makes me feel like we actually live somewhere cool. Don’t get me wrong, I love our home but I wouldn’t exactly describe it as “cool”. This weekend was also our town’s annual Arts Fest, which has to be the coolest event that happens here all year long. It’s absolutely packed with people and filled with music and art and food and the weather this year couldn’t have been better.

On the adoption front, we have chosen an agency and submitted our application. We’ve decided to work with Holt International this time around.  We haven’t yet decided on a country, but have narrowed it down to a couple of programs that we think might be best for us. The somewhat annoying thing about all of this is that they will make us redo our home study. Luckily, they will discount the fee and we should be able to get it done fairly quickly. It makes me grumpy to think about redoing all that paperwork, but in the end I think this is the right choice for us. The home study is the one thing that I swore we wouldn’t do over when we got the bad news about Vietnam, but here we are back at square one. Here we go again!

Still Here

I really forgot how overwhelming it is to sort through all of the information about countries and adoption agencies, etc., etc. By the time we started this blog, we had already been through this process the first time and were well in to the home study paperwork. Funny (actually no, really not funny at all) how we have made so much backward progress in the last seven days that we are actually behind where we were when we made our first big announcement to our family and friends.

It feels like it’s been so much longer than a week ago that all of this went down. For the first couple of days, it was a bit hard for me to think about making a switch without getting a little weepy, but now I’m really excited about the new possibilities. After much pondering and researching and talking and debating, I think we are pretty close to making a decision about what we do now. Not quite ready to share anything - but soon hopefully.

In other news, we planted a garden this weekend - which allows me to check something else off the list. Neither Matt nor I seem to be capable of keeping anything green alive, but we’re going to give it a go anyway. We’re trying the square foot garden method and have planted all kinds of things - lettuce, spinach, eggplant, peppers, squash, tomatoes, pak choy (don’t ask me what that is - it looked like bok choy so I put it in the cart) and onions - as well as a separate herb garden. The day after we planted the garden, mother nature decided we needed one last freeze. Hopefully our little sprouts survived that night and we’ll soon have more veggies than we know what to do with.

Where do we go from here?

I’m still reeling a little bit from the events of the last few days. There have been many times along this journey that the news we received on Friday would not have been a shock. Lately, however, all of the rumors and the general vibe had been rather positive. I really began to believe that it just might all work out after all. Until Thursday with the AP story…and then Friday.

So, what do we do now? Well, for now we leave the “idea” of our child from Vietnam behind. There was no face or name attached to this child - just the pictures I had in my head. Over the last few months, we fell in love with Vietnam and were very excited to visit there and learn more and eventually share this knowledge with our child. I grew up in a town with a rather large Vietnamese population and was eager to take our child to my hometown and introduce him/her to my friends and acquaintances who could tell them stories about the history and people and culture of their birth country. It seemed like the perfect fit. Maybe someday - who knows?

We knew when we started this process that it might very well end like this. We were certainly not naive about the risks that we faced. Of course if I had known for sure that it would end like this, we would have made different choices, but I don’t at all regret the time we’ve spent pursuing Vietnam adoption.

All is not lost, we still plan to bring our first child into our family through adoption. When we started this process the first time around, we did a lot of research about the other programs and agencies that might be right for us. There are some options we may pursue where the transition to another country will be almost seamless. I do think that we might break the record for the fastest request for a change in country that USCIS has ever seen. Because I’m me and a bit Type A, I’m ready to make a decision and get all of the paperwork done tomorrow. This is a big decision, however, and one that we can not rush. It may be days or it may be weeks - I’ll keep you posted.

Wherever we end up, I know that our journey will lead us to a child that needs our love and that will fill our hearts and home with unbelievable joy. As we watch God’s plan unfold I know we’ll realize that it’s way better than anything we could have come up with on our own.

A Roller Coaster of a Week

Well, we received the official news that we have been so anxiously awaiting today. We haven’t actually spoken to our agency but feel pretty sure we know what the announcement means for us - that we should not pursue an adoption from Vietnam any further at this time. It appears that the Vietnamese government will only allow families who have been matched with a child by September 1st to complete their adoption.  This would pretty much rule us out.  If you’re interested, read the announcement here and then read the absolutely heartbreaking and horrifying report on the irregularities the US has been seeing in Vietnamese orphanages here.

I am truly amazed at the way that God has provided us the answers we need to make this decision. Just two days ago, I asked you all to pray that any information we needed to make our final decision would become available and I would say that I got a pretty clear answer to that prayer. We were actually planning to send our first big payment and our dossier documents to our agency today before all of this broke. This is most definitely not the answer that we really wanted, but we take comfort in the knowledge that God does indeed have a plan for us.

My heart is very heavy right now for a couple of reasons. First, the report of the things happening in Vietnam in order to make infants available for adoption is beyond sickening. Before seeing the specifics of this report, I really thought that the instances of corruption were much more isolated than this. As much as it pains me to say it, a suspension may very well be necessary in order to straighten these things out. Second, I don’t know how this will affect children in Vietnam. Without the influence of American money messing things up, perhaps the Vietnamese people are perfectly capable of taking care of their own orphan population through religious organizations and domestic adoption. I pray that this is the case as I believe this would truly be the best thing for these children. Finally, I have become acquainted with many of you over the last few months that are much further along in this process and I know you face very uncertain futures. My heart hurts for you. Please know that I will continue to pray for you as you weather this storm.

Thanks so much to those of you that have been praying with us about this over the last few months. At this point, we still plan to proceed with adoption.  However, we are going to take some time to regroup and determine what direction we head from here. Stay tuned - our journey is far from over!